FYI

I guess I don't have anything better to title this than "FYI"...  I just had some things I wanted to tell you.  Some things I wanted you to know...

I miss you.

I miss you so much this year it is killing me on the inside.

I didn't cry when I hung my ornaments on the tree this year, but I wanted to make sure that my tree was perfect - just in case you could see it.

I met your friend Mrs. Mayer.  She misses you so much Mom.  She tells me about you when I see her every day.  It means so much to me to have someone that shared a part of their life with you share stories with me.  They are new stories - things I never knew about you or never heard before...

She told me how she thinks of you at Christmas time because she always loved your tree. 

I took a picture of my tree - just for her.  I showed it to her yesterday and I thought she was going to get a tear in her eye when she told me how much it reminded her of one of yours... then I thought I was going to cry to.

Mom, I still get so mad that I didn't get a chance to watch you grow old.  I wanted to spend more of my life with you.

I still cry - I cry a lot.

I never wanted to lose you.

I never wanted to be here on this Earth without you.

There are so many times I try to tell people that I am doing great and that it gets easier and easier as the time goes by.  Sometimes I think that might be true but yet there are those days when I would give anything in the world - anything - just to have you back again.

So many people take for granted the love of their parents.  So many take for granted the fact that their parents are "always" there.  I don't know how to make them realize that they could lose them - their Mom or their Dad - at any minute of any day... old, young - they just don't seem to get it.

I wasn't ready to lose you.

My life was a mess.

I needed you so much.

Though I like to think I am finally getting things together in my life, I still miss you and I still need you.

I don't have all the answers.

I don't have a clue what I am doing or how to be a mom - not like you.  You had it together.  You knew the answers.  You knew how to reach each of one of us.  You knew what made us tick.... how do I learn that?  How do I know?  How do I know if I am doing this right?

I need you Mom.

I just thought you should know....