Hardest Apology

I was so afraid of losing my son.  I was so afraid that he couldn't see himself the way that I do when I look at him - the love, the fun, the laughter all of the gifts he has brought to my life.

Suddenly, it hit me.

I did this to you.

I put you and Dad through this same sort of pain.

Mom, I had to stop and call Dad through all of my tears.  I called him and I told him I was so sorry for what I put you through.  I only with you had been here so I could apologize to you too.

I can feel now what you must have been feeling.

I can see now all of the thoughts you must have thought.

I am so sorry that I put that fear in you.

I am so sorry I gave you the same sadness that I am feeling.

You were always there for me - you were my biggest fan.

I am so sorry I hurt you when I told you that my life wasn't worth living -

You gave me that life -

I am so sorry....

Today is for You

Just thought you should know, I remembered your birthday.  Not that I ever forget your birthday, but I really remembered today.  I attempted to drive to the cemetary to visit you.  I couldn't even make it up the hill without tears filling my eyes.  It was the craziest thing; I heard your voice then telling me it was ok and I should turn back.  I stopped and headed back home.  Instead, I wiped my eyes and blew you a kiss.  I knew you were ok with that, because I remembered the words you used to tell me "don't you go crying over a stupid stone when I die.  I am not going to be there. It's just a place where they stick my body, I will be in heaven"

She was right you know.  She is in heaven and her spirit is right here on Earth inside of me and everyone else she ever touched the life of.

Happy Birthday Mom.  I love and miss you....

Just Another Day

One of the hardest days I have had of late had to be the day Travis graduated from high school... it just didn't seem fair that you weren't there.  Dad was there.  Karen was there next to me.  Rick and his entire family were there in front of me... I guess, even Dean, was next to me - even though he didn't want to be there.

I felt alone.

It sucked.

It was probably one of the proudest days of my life - watching my little bly - OUR little monkey butt walk across that stage - with all of his accomplishments, yet it didn't matter - you weren't physically there - oh how I needed you.

I went to the cemetary and did what you made me promise I would never do... I lost it.  I cried so hard Mom... I cried harder than I ever thought I could...

and then I heard it - a truck, climbing the hill.

Wouldn't you know? It was Debbi, Brian, Travis and Cory- yeah - not quite what I needed that day - they were going by Grandpa Jerry's grave... but they saw me - head buried on your gravestone... I am sure they thought I looked like a fool...

but I needed you.

I needed you that day Mom.

And I need you today :(

Why can't I just die so I can be with you in heaven?

Why can't God just take me home to Him? to you?

Why?

FYI

I guess I don't have anything better to title this than "FYI"...  I just had some things I wanted to tell you.  Some things I wanted you to know...

I miss you.

I miss you so much this year it is killing me on the inside.

I didn't cry when I hung my ornaments on the tree this year, but I wanted to make sure that my tree was perfect - just in case you could see it.

I met your friend Mrs. Mayer.  She misses you so much Mom.  She tells me about you when I see her every day.  It means so much to me to have someone that shared a part of their life with you share stories with me.  They are new stories - things I never knew about you or never heard before...

She told me how she thinks of you at Christmas time because she always loved your tree. 

I took a picture of my tree - just for her.  I showed it to her yesterday and I thought she was going to get a tear in her eye when she told me how much it reminded her of one of yours... then I thought I was going to cry to.

Mom, I still get so mad that I didn't get a chance to watch you grow old.  I wanted to spend more of my life with you.

I still cry - I cry a lot.

I never wanted to lose you.

I never wanted to be here on this Earth without you.

There are so many times I try to tell people that I am doing great and that it gets easier and easier as the time goes by.  Sometimes I think that might be true but yet there are those days when I would give anything in the world - anything - just to have you back again.

So many people take for granted the love of their parents.  So many take for granted the fact that their parents are "always" there.  I don't know how to make them realize that they could lose them - their Mom or their Dad - at any minute of any day... old, young - they just don't seem to get it.

I wasn't ready to lose you.

My life was a mess.

I needed you so much.

Though I like to think I am finally getting things together in my life, I still miss you and I still need you.

I don't have all the answers.

I don't have a clue what I am doing or how to be a mom - not like you.  You had it together.  You knew the answers.  You knew how to reach each of one of us.  You knew what made us tick.... how do I learn that?  How do I know?  How do I know if I am doing this right?

I need you Mom.

I just thought you should know....

Dying Without You

Mom,
     In just a few short hours, it will be exactly 8 years since I hearrd the sound of your voice.  In a few more hours after that, it will be 8 years since Jacob lost the only Grandma he had left.  It breaks my heart so much Mom... 

     Right now, I can barely hold myself together for the sake of my children.  I cry all the time and feel like my whole life is falling apart and then, I don't have you there to hold me up.  I just wish so badly that for one day, you were here. 

     What I wouldn't give to hear your voice or have your arms around me... holding me up.  I can't do this on my own mom.  I can't do this without a mom.  I am dying without you...

     I can't tell you how many days I wish and I have prayed for the Lord to take me from this world so I could just be with you.  Life made sense when you were here with me.  Life was always going to get better when I heard you tell me that it would...

    I can't hear you now.

    Life isn't getting better....

A Morning with Dad

I took Dad to the hospital this morning, although I think you already know that.  I am learning how it works when you are a parent, you know, when you only tell us kids what you think we need to know...

This morning, Dad's secrets were revealed.  I kept thinking how I would have loved to have the opportunity to have had this experience with you.

I learned about his health history, his medications, and his secrets about his heart.

I learned from the doctor that Dad had indeed been having chest pains even when he told me his stress test was merely for routine.  Funny, I remember this other woman that would have chest pains and not tell anyone else about them. 

Oh wait, you would tell me.  Only I didn't know that no one else knew about them. 

Only after you died did I discover I held that secret alone.  I was pretty mad at you about that one Mom.  I kicked myself for a long time - wondered, if I had said something sooner about the chest pains and the getting up in the middle of the night for aspirin, could they have done something?

Now, I have learned to understand that God has a reason for everything in life and I really believe that more than I have ever believed before.  He is the one I follow and believe in and I know, that it was your time to join Him in heaven and something tells me that even if I had said something, you would have died that day anyway...

I was used to you telling me things in portions - you never wanted me to worry about anything.

Dad is even worse than you!

He wanted me to drop him off at the door this morning Mom.  He didn't even think I needed to come in with him or sit with him.

I love the two of you, but as a parent, I have learned, that sometimes there is nothing better than the love and care of your child to make your heart better.

I Thought of You Today, Everyday

Mom,
I thought of you today... of course, I don't think a day goes by that I don't think about you.  I see you every day in the mirror and hear you every day in my own voice. 

It's strange, how no matter how much time has passed since you went home to heaven, I will always wish for you to be here.  I will always hope that this is all a bad dream and I am going to wake up and you will be here.  I long for your hugs and your words of wisdom. 

I have learned to lean on Dad now.  Something that was very hard for me growing up, but he has really been there for me.  I think I have surprised him with how much I have grown since you have gone. 

No matter how old I get, when my heart breaks, there is still nothing better than gonig home and getting a hug from my mom... I miss that Mom.

I miss you.

Thank you for visiting me in my dreams every night.  I am so grateful for those times now.  They will keep my heart content until i join you some day in Heaven.  I can't wait to see your face again and be able to hold your hand....